Gaia Community: martha's Blog

What are you thankful for?

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 03:43:15 GMT

Basically, thankfulness is a lifestyle. I mean, that's how I think, mostly. It's a way of life. So, logically to list or discuss pretty much whatever I'm thankful for right now would take the Whole World, even the Universe to express. But right at this moment, to be perfectly honest, what I'm MOST thankful for is pretty specific: I'm thankful for the AC in AZ. We're talkin' air conditioning:

ac-5

Please humor me by allowing me to share our weather forecast for the coming week here in Phoenix:

Monday:         High 110   Overnight low 90
Tuesday:        High 110   Overnight low 90
Wednesday: High 110   Overnight low 90
Thursday:       High 112 Overnight low 90
Friday:             High 112 Overnight low 90
Saturday:        High 112   Overnight low 90

And another thing I'm thankful for is that it isn't projected to hit 115 yet.

BTW, it's monsoon season, which means we have increasing humidity, too.

thunderheads

These are some good examples of what our monsoon moisture looks like, but when we get these, it's still about 110, 115 or Lord knows what. Of course, IF the rain actually falls, it's very nice!

So, as I was saying, right now, I'm thankful for my own personal AC. Thing is, that baby is 16 years old and needs to be replaced. Will it make it through another summer? That is in the hands of God. I'm thankful that no matter what happens with it, I know we'll be able to cope.

Tags: QaR, gratitude, appreciation, thanks

What is your relationship to independence?

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 07:07:13 GMT

"Independence" for me is based on integrity--an understanding of how I am. I think about "independence" within or from the experience of interdependence. Realizing the nature of our relationships with others, our interconnectedness, can lead to an understanding of how we are at the same time unique.

Tags: QaR, independence, connection, dependency, relationships

The MJB Scholarship

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 05:29:37 GMT

Michael spent a lot of time sitting on the back porch, and if you sit there, one of the things you can see is the turbine on top of the neighbor's house. We have lots of those in Phoenix. They cool the house by helping hot air move out of the attic. It's the hot air that makes them rotate. Michael's idea was to create a device that can capture the energy of the trubine's rotation and turn it into part of the home's "green energy system."

After he passed away, I ran Mike's idea past an electrical engineer, who told me this: It's more complicated than you'd think it would be. Any device that collects energy from the turbine's rotation will also create drag. And the turbine is so small that it will turn out that the energy gain will be about equal to the drag, and they will cancel each other out. But then he said that this is merely an interesting design problem, and that there might be some way to overcome it.

Michael was a creative guy. He worked with a team of engineers who invented collision avoidance technologies for large aircraft. It's based on radio frequency technology, which was his area. He also made a part which is in the Hubble telescope. When an engineer makes a part, they will often carve their initials into it, and there are a lot of parts out there in the world that say "MJB."

Several very kind Gaians have sent donations for a fund to help develop the turbine energy device. I think Michael would have worked on it, but he really couldn't. However, it would make a great problem to work out as a master's thesis for a mechanical or electrical engineer. The donations have now been set up as a scholarship fund, so that I can pay some of the tuition of a student who would be willing to take on the challenge of the energy vs. drag problem in the domestic turbine. The only stipulation is that when it's figured out, we call it the "MJB Device."

So, continuing with the theme of the previous blog, I want to sincerely thank the Gaians who were so kind in helping me set up this fund. Sorry I was a little slow, but it's in place now. And, for those of you who read the previous blog, yes I will be sending them a personal note of thanks, and Yes! I will really want to write it!

Tags: wind turbines, scholarship, electrical engineering, mechanical engineering

Thank you notes

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 05:38:12 GMT

When I was a kid, all required gratitude could fit on to a pretty little paper like that. Even if I didn't feel gratitude, the drill was to write about it.

Dear Aunt Prissy,

Thank you for the pretty socks. They will look nice with my shoes. Thank you very much.

Love,
Martha

And this would take HOURS.

Making my kids do something similar was even worse. I really sympathized with them when they cried about it. Why not just let them say "thank you" over the phone? So I did. Feeling guilty about it, I did that. I felt I was breaking a longstanding rule with some moral significance. But since I couldn't determine what that moral significance was, I changed the play book.

But I went back to the little squares of paper (although they don't like quite like the one above) to express thanks to those who helped our family during our recent hard times. I suppose it's a case of stress, necessity, and the path of least resistance. It was necessary for me to put gratitude into writing. I'm glad there is a socially accepted form for doing this, because if there weren't, I'd have to invent one. And what will my children do? I'll have to let them figure that out.

Tags: gratitude, thank you notes

It's only been 30 years

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 02:44:33 GMT

since the movie was made.

Finally, Max says to me, "Mom, have you ever seen Apocolypse Now?"

And I said, "No, it's one of those that I haven't seen."

I missed a lot of shit in the middle there. Of life. Somehow. Partly because of working, and partly because of having my face in books, and partly because of being somewhat submersed in other cultures, more or less. Etc.

Now I'm thinking that most of us just stumble through life like that. It would work out ok, but there are some folks who are highly motivated to go after power over others. Why?

"Do you want to see it?"

"Sure!"

So we watched it together. It took two days, basically.

Boy, ya know, I've really never been so depressed about the world. The movie really makes a point. Honestly, I wish I'd seen it before Bush the 2nd's Iraq war. But knowing what I know now, with everything that's happened, well...

Still, I see hope for us in our hearts, somehow. I don't know how, but somehow.

Tags: war, human nature, global capitalism

Workin' on dreams

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 18:56:54 GMT

It came to me so clearly today.

Our feelings, emotions, thoughts, fantasies, even worries
occuring at and via our own level of consciousness
can be made concrete
through our actions that are based
on our perceptions through our consciousness.

Bruce Springsteen - Working On A Dream

Tags: dreams

Entanglements

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:04:02 GMT

occur when we just naturally grow, and as created stuff gets bigger and pushes forward, life gets really complex. One thing encounters another. Which way will you go? This way or that? Will we touch? Or remain nearby?

Why judge it all. Some branches thrive, some don't.

Tags: entanglements, complexity, creative force

This morning

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 15:48:58 GMT

is so sweet. We share a day together. How much can we love each other and all of Life today? I feel so deeply grateful for the opportunity of today. Thank you for sharing this breath, this heart beat of Earth, this longing, this great affection growing through each leaf and each root, today.

Tags: faith, love

Here

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 06:48:10 GMT

Today we said the word "goodbye," and left his ashes here. This is where he asked to be, when it would become necessary to part our ways.

When I die
Give what's left of me away
To children
And those that wait to die.

And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone

And give them
What you need to give me.

I want to leave you something.
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.

Look for me
In the people I've known
Or loved.

And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live in your eyes
And not in your mind.

You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.

Love doesn't die,
People do.
So, when all that's left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

-Author Unknown

sun and cloud

Tags: grief, renewal, love

Waters of life

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 06:21:47 GMT

...we roll over over over over maybe goin' downhill (shit) or uphill (who needs the workout?) or just, you know, sittn' there, and we're sayin' "What's up, guys?" And every day is like that. There's all these wonderful things, sometimes totally overwhelming, but who cares?

The water has to come from some place. If we're lucky, it's this big, awesome river, but sometimes it's the garden tap. Sometimes it's fucking nowhere and we die of thirst, and find ourselves in God's hands sipping the purest stream water of the Alps.

we gotta roll or crawl or run to that spigot. As long as we can find one, we're here.

The miracle, I suppose is to find the reason to drink.

I'm Alright - Kenny Loggins - Caddyshack Gopher beginning

Tags: inspiration, abiding, waters of life, love, perserverance

395

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 04:14:36 GMT

That's how many CD's I found around the house. 395 that constitute Mike's collection. That's an ironic number. We almost decided to get divorced one time, and then we changed our minds. This was back in 2000. And one of his requests for me, in getting us back together, was that I limit the number of books in my book collection to 400.

When I tell people that story, they kind of gasp, politely. Knowing how much I love books, they're probably thinking that the request probably pissed me off, but it didn't. I could see the logic of it. It was just a matter of how much crap we have room for. And really, I can get along with that many books. I gave the rest away, and it was fun in the way that giving is fun. So anyway, there he is with his 395 CD's. Right in the ballpark. Fair is fair, I guess. He used to read a lot, but diabetes robbed his beautiful eyes, and he couldn't curl up in bed and read anymore for several years. Wow. If that happened to me, I don't know what I'd do. To be honest, I'd probably order a Kindle from Amazon and crank that baby up to size 42 font, and TRY to read, because, you know, it's reading! For goodness sake! I was going to get him a Kindle for his birthday, maybe. He loved gadgets.

So, in reality, that's 395 times that I picked up a CD, read the title and artist, assigned a genre and found a date, so I could enter this info on a Excel spreadsheet, because I'm giving most of them away, because about 90% of them aren't my musical cuppa tea, and that means 395 times I thought something like, "Oh, I remember that. Oh." And this yearning of the heart that things are now as they were then, but they will not be. Not that things were always so good back then, but because those things were part of his life, and I wish he were still here to live it.

Tags: grieiving, giving

256

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Sat, 30 May 2009 05:46:09 GMT

chuckwagon TW 06worst

If

you haven't cleaned your

house

except, of course, like cleaning the bathrooms and kitchen,

but if, like,

you've got all these piles of stuff

that your husband told you to leave alone

and so you left them alone

for twenty years, or so,

then if he were gone

you'd probably want to clean house

somewhat

and so

256

stands for the number

of CD's that

I've found and catalogued

so far.

It seems to me so simple

to put something away.

But I'm not you.

I think there's a gene for that.

An "Oh, I could put that away!" gene,

And some folks got a "Hey! What's that up in the sky?" gene

instead.

And it's all good.

But someday

somebody comes along

with a bulldozer

or a determination to simply sort things through

and they wonder. When did you stop showing me these things?

When did you stop sharing with me?

When did I stop sharing with you?

I remember why I stopped. Why did you stop?

And what do I do with all the cool stuff you left?

How much happiness was there for you?

Tags: house cleaning, regret, abiding, relationships, materialism

Words are useless here

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Thu, 21 May 2009 05:12:38 GMT

There is no way to express how much your comments, ideas, prayers, love, light, healing energy and patience, understanding and wisdom helped and are helping us here, as we learn to live without Michael physically around.

I read all that you said, but managed to get back to almost nobody. Please know that your thoughts helped, even if I didn't contact you yet. I've got your phone numbers, those of you who sent them, and I'll call you when I can talk. It might be a while.

With regard to the scholarship fund, it will take some research to set up, but i've already started.

Dancing girls

Here is a picture I took during Mike's Celebration of Life. There are musicians playing on the other side, behind me, and a crowd of people. The sun is setting, and Gail and Pattee are dancing. They are two of Mike's "Dancing Girls." That's what I call them. Of course, I'm one too, but certainly not among the most participatory. I did...other things. But I wore a long flowy skirt to the Celebration. None of us Dancing Girls would do otherwise. This place where we danced (I didn't dance) and made music for Michael is a place that emphatically evokes his spirit. It is big and outside and open and raw and full of bluffs and hills and open desert. From that place we could see the city, see where he worked for 25 years, where he went to college, all the places he loved. One of the engineers he used to work with said, "Being here reminds me that when we worked at Motorola, we actually were a community, and it is that community that we lost." When he said that, I realized that Michael's Celebration of Life was doing what it should do--creating a higher awareness, raising our consciousness around those things that were most Michael and that he most loved. We were so lucky to be there together. We did it. Together we created it, and we were changed before we walked back toward the city together.

Tags: celebration of life, gratitude

Martha and Michael

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Sat, 09 May 2009 00:53:57 GMT

Well, Youtube won't let me embed this, but hey, check this out! Amazing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4zciWBrs60

Tags: synchronicity

Tiny pieces

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Mon, 04 May 2009 03:43:35 GMT

The internet at my house has been down since Thursday. Michael passed away on Friday. Evening. Michelle said that perhaps if we went home, that he might decide to go. In the end, we found out that he had had many strokes, and there was really no place here where his consciousness could be, you know, no way he could break through. So he would go away somehow.

This must be short, because I'm not having good luck with the internet here at this coffee place tonight. I don't want to pour my heart out and then lose it in cyberspace.

I didn't intend to be on Gaia at all tonight, but the stupid grading program to post grades for my students would not work, and I got curious about my old life. The life I remember that I had before April 18th, 2009. I couldn't load my gmail, which I can only assume has, like, 450 unopened messages, and none of them from Michael. I sang that song to him, and that's all I'll write about THAT, as I don't need to cry in the coffee house.

I tried to go to youtube to get Message to Michael, and of course something complex like youtube wouldn't load. And of course, I notice that the first time I typed the preceding sentence, I wrote "Message from Michael." It's easy to change what you just said, here in cyberspace.

Tags: tiny pieces

what there is to do

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 04:16:46 GMT

I'm tired of working on myself and changing. Fuck it. I'm perfect the way that I am.

The way that I am is ripe, and soon it will burst and rot. But before it disappears, it will put out crazy amounts of seeds. These are my ideas, my gray hairs, or maybe yours. Who really cares?

I'm perfect, and I must change and reinvent myself constantly.

And I don't actually reinvent myself, because I'm simply a bastard child of my own culture. I'm just along for the ride.

But I'm an autonomous immortal spirit.

It's ALL true, and it's the paradox that is a transfiguring dance.

Tags: transformation

In what area of your life might you like someone to help you?

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 04:11:13 GMT

Oh God, like, you have to ASK?

Tags: QaR, support, life, help assistance

My Mother used to say...

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 03:13:41 GMT

that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Interesting cartoon from the Chicago Tribune, 1934, courtesy of Margo.

Tags: politics, economics, history repeats itself

Egg Hunt

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 19:34:35 GMT

Postponed to Next Week

Due to Rain

easter-egg

Oh Well! :)

Tags: handling disappointment

Happy Easter!

http://communitybuilder.gaia.com — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:35:36 GMT

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE

I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

Sometimes it's OK to put all of your eggs in one basket

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears

There's no such thing as too much candy

All work and no play can make you a basket case

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

Some body parts should be floppy

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans

The grass is always greener for the egg hunt when we take good care of our environment

Easter bonnets are awesome! :) Have you created something lately?

Walk softly and carry a big carrot - edible weapons are good!

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell

It's great to express happiness by hopping up and down!

Tags: Easter, fun, bunnies, humor