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November 2009 
395
Posted on Jun 2nd, 2009
by 
martha
martha
That's how many CD's I found around the house. 395 that constitute Mike's collection. That's an ironic number. We almost decided to get divorced one time, and then we changed our minds. This was back in 2000. And one of his requests for me, in getting us back together, was that I limit the number of books in my book collection to 400.
When I tell people that story, they kind of gasp, politely. Knowing how much I love books, they're probably thinking that the request probably pissed me off, but it didn't. I could see the logic of it. It was just a matter of how much crap we have room for. And really, I can get along with that many books. I gave the rest away, and it was fun in the way that giving is fun. So anyway, there he is with his 395 CD's. Right in the ballpark. Fair is fair, I guess. He used to read a lot, but diabetes robbed his beautiful eyes, and he couldn't curl up in bed and read anymore for several years. Wow. If that happened to me, I don't know what I'd do. To be honest, I'd probably order a Kindle from Amazon and crank that baby up to size 42 font, and TRY to read, because, you know, it's reading! For goodness sake! I was going to get him a Kindle for his birthday, maybe. He loved gadgets.
So, in reality, that's 395 times that I picked up a CD, read the title and artist, assigned a genre and found a date, so I could enter this info on a Excel spreadsheet, because I'm giving most of them away, because about 90% of them aren't my musical cuppa tea, and that means 395 times I thought something like, "Oh, I remember that. Oh." And this yearning of the heart that things are now as they were then, but they will not be. Not that things were always so good back then, but because those things were part of his life, and I wish he were still here to live it.
When I tell people that story, they kind of gasp, politely. Knowing how much I love books, they're probably thinking that the request probably pissed me off, but it didn't. I could see the logic of it. It was just a matter of how much crap we have room for. And really, I can get along with that many books. I gave the rest away, and it was fun in the way that giving is fun. So anyway, there he is with his 395 CD's. Right in the ballpark. Fair is fair, I guess. He used to read a lot, but diabetes robbed his beautiful eyes, and he couldn't curl up in bed and read anymore for several years. Wow. If that happened to me, I don't know what I'd do. To be honest, I'd probably order a Kindle from Amazon and crank that baby up to size 42 font, and TRY to read, because, you know, it's reading! For goodness sake! I was going to get him a Kindle for his birthday, maybe. He loved gadgets.
So, in reality, that's 395 times that I picked up a CD, read the title and artist, assigned a genre and found a date, so I could enter this info on a Excel spreadsheet, because I'm giving most of them away, because about 90% of them aren't my musical cuppa tea, and that means 395 times I thought something like, "Oh, I remember that. Oh." And this yearning of the heart that things are now as they were then, but they will not be. Not that things were always so good back then, but because those things were part of his life, and I wish he were still here to live it.
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oh martha… i haven't been around in quite some time and i guess i am just learning the news… many hugs to you…
((((((((martha))))))))
Martha,
I enjoyed your blog. I appreciate your ability to express very personal feelings.
Let me say that I have only imagined what you are experiencing. I have never lost my husband, so if I am insensitive or clueless, that is why.
I would like to commend you two as a couple for coming to an agreement about stuff. We as a couple have not. My husband is a stuff-a-holic. His stuff would be the primary reason for me leaving this marriage. The only way I can tolerate living with him is that we divide our space; he has his space which is filled with piles of his stuff and I have mine. I used to have nightmares about what might happen if he died. How would I deal with his stuff? Then a couple years ago a guy across the airstrip passed away and an auction company was hired to dispense with his hangar full of stuff. Wah-la, it was all gone in one morning. Having experienced this has given me much more peace of mind.
It is wonderful that you are cataloguing Mike's CD's. This could possibly be a very healing discipline. We all have our own way of mourning and perhaps this might be one our yours. I might title your blog “395 ways to say goodbye.”
_/I\_ Janine
I just couldn't imagine, dear Martha…
I am just with you, with love and hugs and presence.
You are working through this wonderfully, I am awed and humbled by your strength~~~<3
395 - how precious that you see all these signs jumping out at you. Thank you for sharing this story from your unique, gorgeous mind
love
Just writing down those CDs may make you feel closer to him…what a labor of love, dear Martha.
Martha, my dear, I am so lost for words to say to you…it has taken me this long to discover your loss and I ache to think I've been away long enough for something sad like this to have happened to you! Regardless, I send my love and hope you will find a little comfort in it. For some reason, after I read this post I thought about Simon and Garfunkel's “Dangling Conversation,” and all that exists on the borders of our lives. Like 395 CD's…
Here's a big hug across the miles. You will be in my prayers.
dearest martha. that is a lot of cd's. he must have really loved music
Big {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} to all of you! Thank you for your thoughts and support!