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tiny pieces
October 2009 
Tiny pieces
Posted on May 3rd, 2009
by 
martha
martha
The internet at my house has been down since Thursday. Michael passed away on Friday. Evening. Michelle said that perhaps if we went home, that he might decide to go. In the end, we found out that he had had many strokes, and there was really no place here where his consciousness could be, you know, no way he could break through. So he would go away somehow.
This must be short, because I'm not having good luck with the internet here at this coffee place tonight. I don't want to pour my heart out and then lose it in cyberspace.
I didn't intend to be on Gaia at all tonight, but the stupid grading program to post grades for my students would not work, and I got curious about my old life. The life I remember that I had before April 18th, 2009. I couldn't load my gmail, which I can only assume has, like, 450 unopened messages, and none of them from Michael. I sang that song to him, and that's all I'll write about THAT, as I don't need to cry in the coffee house.
I tried to go to youtube to get Message to Michael, and of course something complex like youtube wouldn't load. And of course, I notice that the first time I typed the preceding sentence, I wrote "Message from Michael." It's easy to change what you just said, here in cyberspace.
This must be short, because I'm not having good luck with the internet here at this coffee place tonight. I don't want to pour my heart out and then lose it in cyberspace.
I didn't intend to be on Gaia at all tonight, but the stupid grading program to post grades for my students would not work, and I got curious about my old life. The life I remember that I had before April 18th, 2009. I couldn't load my gmail, which I can only assume has, like, 450 unopened messages, and none of them from Michael. I sang that song to him, and that's all I'll write about THAT, as I don't need to cry in the coffee house.
I tried to go to youtube to get Message to Michael, and of course something complex like youtube wouldn't load. And of course, I notice that the first time I typed the preceding sentence, I wrote "Message from Michael." It's easy to change what you just said, here in cyberspace.
Access: PublicTagged with: tiny pieces
(((hugs))) and more (((hugs)) keeping you and yours in my heart.
My arms are around you, sqeezing gently, until we melt. Love to your children and to Michael, and all of yours.
much love to you dearest Martha…so sorry for your loss…always, star…
Oh Martha, I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you & your family, sending you love & peace.
IT IS the case, no doubt, that at both TIMES of JOY and TIMES of SORROW,
our sense of place becomes temporarily mis-placed; and the need to
reflect on the emotions of those TIMES of JOY becomes ever more
important to place into context the emotions felt at THIS TIME of SORROW.
OUR THOUGHTS and LOVE ”R” and will ever continue 2B with U BOTH as ONE
mickelinnie
oh sweetheart, that's so hard… all my love for you and your family…
Darling Martha:
what can I say to you that could ever ease your pain? There is nothing, but I send you love, love and more love. You are the bravest woman I know. Your words here are beautiful, and honor your Michael in the most wonderful way.
I am here for you dear one. Always.
Hugs and prayers surrounding you.
Aley
Words are not what one needs during times like these. Alas, being so far away, tis all I can offer.
You should be with friends and family, so you may wrap your arms around each other and cry great tears of loss. If I could, I would gladly offer my shoulder and warmly embrace you, in an attempt to help salve the gaping, open wound.
I mourn with you, dear soul.
Martha,
I have no doubt that you will discover that messages will come to you from Michael - though they may appear to come through other people, or even from non-living sources like the timely playing of a song on the radio, or snatches of conversation not meant for you but overheard - each is his attempt to comfort you and let you know his consciousness continues; and that he is aware of you and your pain and sadness. Be open to it all, the messages, the reminders and the dreams. Stay open to it, even in the pain of missing him, for Love is real and love continues. Share the pain of missing him and even the anger at his leaving, if that comes as well. Michael is still a part of what is unfolding.
I know that the emptiness can never be filled with such, yet none are born with a guaranteed length of life. Our life is perfectly the length that it is and it is those left behind that can not help but yearn for more. We must cherish what we do have in our own life's length and that includes the love we've been blessed to experience along the way.
Oh, my heart aches with yours, and I know not how I would cope myself. It is so easy to say such to others, and so hard to live such, in your own life. I can only imagine the intensity of the last few weeks, having gone through something similar in the rapid decline and loss of my MIL on Feb 16th. In that she was my closest and best female friend, I can understand only a hint of how you must be feeling.
Big hugs and love -
Deborah
You are in my heart Martha! You have been through so much; you got through to GAIA because this is a place where you can be sure you'll see friends. I wish I could be with you in person, but just know… you are in my heart right now.
With love and more love and blessings,
Sherri
Oh Martha…I am so sorry. I think it would be nice to be with you right now as you go through this. Sending you love and comfort and blessings, Kathy
Ah Martha, you're in this circle K? Hugs((()))
We are all there with you, even if you internet connection sucks!
Much love to you.
Sending you love and hugs. You and Michael have been in my thoughts and in my prayers constantly. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. May you find comfort in your memories.
Hugs!
-Susan
So sorry to hear this news, Martha. Just want to say that I'm/we're here for you…whatever you need. Meanwhile, I send you love, peace and comfort….
Martha,
Sending tons of love and light…..
Martha, I don't know what else to add that hasn't already been shared. Maybe this…
As a fellow Arizonan, I know we live in a rugged state where individualism is prized, even celebrated. Though we've never met, I'd like to believe that your grief and loss will be surrounded by Arizona nature, such as open sky, majestic saguaro, desert roses, jack rabbits, all of creation. I know your husband is one with all these now.
I truly hope his transition was painless.
I believe you have begun to give him the best of good-byes.
Why do I believe this?
Because I also believe you gave him the best that you could.
You gave him yourself.
Darling, holding you close and sending love to you and yours. Always, Ayla
Martha,
You are not alone.
We are here for you.
Janine
More here.
Bringing you a warm hug, Martha. May your celebrations of Michael's love and life bring you great joy in the future. A song for you, dear one.
With Love,
J
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIAQCiMIEEQ&feature=rec-HM-r2
I'm not sure how I got here but I did and my heart is so moved.
Michaels have always been special beings in my own life.
Sending much love.
Sandra
My heart heavy with this news, unable to find any words,if it is o.k. with you I'd just like to sit here a bit and hold your hand
.
sending you love Martha, praying you are surrounded by the comfort, peace and knowing of sacred oneness and blessed friendship at this time..
May you know the essence of Michaels love and cherished being..
Love and blessings to you and all your loved ones..
Ange..
this sucks…I feel so sad for you….love, maze
I join with your loving support circle of friends, Dear Martha.
My heart aches, grieves and mourns with yours…this empty space vaccuum that is left by the departure of a Loved One. Know that this is only in the physical sense. He is with you…he is with ALL now. Ever present in your life…listen and watch, you will see…
You are Loved and We Honour the Life and Love of Michael~~~<3
Martha, I'm sitting quietly with you and sending you lots of love and hugs. In this time of grief, know that you are not alone.
I am joining everyone above, in whatever way helps most. Oh, Martha. My heart is with yours.
beautifully written - i felt as if i was sitting next to you for a moment :-)
Martha, I do not know how I came to be on this page; I assume that I was led. As human beings we are energy. Each of us has a personal energy signature. One of the fundamental laws of physics states that, “Energy can be transferred from one form to another, but neither created nor destroyed.” As such, birth is not a beginning–it is a continuation. Perhaps that will lend you comfort because we then know with confidence that equally true, death is not an end–it is a continuation; a change from one form to another. Your Michael’s energy will always be with you.
Listen with your heart,
- Laurie
martha-
i had no idea that aley's note referring me to your blog would lead me to find out the shockingly sad news that your beloved Michael has transitioned. i am sharing in the sadness and this circle of love, holding your brokenness in a place of wholeness in my heart.
we love you, martha.
mary
My heart is with you… You and your family are in my prayers… I am so sorry that we can not be with you right now, in person… sometimes, when is hard, words are just words… but we love you…
Dear Martha
I'm holding you and Michael and loved ones in my heart at this sacred time of transition; bereavement and remembering a wonderful life past. You are welcome to share with us on the Passing pod if you feel it would be helpful, precious one
love
Dear dear Martha,
We are all gathered here together from all around the world to hold you and love you and cherish you on Michael's behalf.
When my brother died of a snakebite over 2 years ago I found a thought in Neil Walsch's book (At home with god) really rang true. This was that no-one ever leaves, they just change form. My brother died and on the day he died someone else came into our lives to fill his shoes in a different way. You'll find that everything you loved about Micheal shows up in a different form. For example, his immense love for you is now expressed in the numbers of people coming here to be at your side. This is Micheal in another form. This is his way of being here for you in your hour of need. You'll find this true for every single quality you loved about him. We are all one and we are all together and here with you. You rock and have always been one of my favourite gutsy writers here on Gaia. I look forward to reading soon how you are managing. But do not stress to go online. Evreything happens for a reason, including computer's packing up. Take this time for yourself. We here are not expecting you to reply. Just know we are here and we expect nothing except for you to feel held and cherished and loved.
With love,
Jena
Martha, so sorry to read your sad news, I hope you can feel the love and unity surrounding you and yours here. Take time for yourself to work through feelings, there is no right or wrong way, only your way, sending love and a gentle hug
our hearts feel for you and are with you.
I'm saddened as I'm lead here today. I will hold you in my open and vulnerable heart, tender with love and awareness for you. You are so love Martha. I am here for you in my silence. Peace be with you always.
I am extremely sorry to hear about your loss…and I don't know of any words that will make you any less sad…but I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts.
With love…
Amy
Being with you dear Martha, in loving light.
So much love already surrounding you. I want to wrap my love around you too. I'll hold you in my heart, dear one.
Blessings
Oh my dear friend, Martha, I am here joining with everyone wrapping my arms around you and yours and holding you all in love during this hard time.
Sprite
Dear Martha have you got support in your life right now?
Sending love
sending love and continued support dear Martha…
Prayers for you and your loved ones, may you know the peace, comfort and love which surrounds you now..
Blessings
Ange..
You and I don't know one another, yet, but my heart thunders for you. Your world has been so rocked. I hope so much that you are somehow able to sense and absorb the love and support that surrounds you.
Love…
Dear Martha…
from what I know of you…you’re gonna be just fine…you’ll feel to heal and keep it real…with clarity of mind…when the heart breaks open…it’s making room for more…my dear from what I know of you…you’ll walk through every door…such courage and compassion…has led you safe this far…the future holds such magic for the wonder that you are…let love catch and hold you…with it’s open arms…always know that what you are can never come to harm…when overwhelmed with sorrow…open space of joy…you see they dance together for they’re two sides of one coin…standing strong…feel the wind…let it kiss your cheek…and know it’s Michael’s energy…flowing with yours…ever…free…
much love to you dear Martha…always, star…
You are loved, sweet angel. So deeply.
Hello dear ones, Yes! Your words and thoughts did bring smiles and tears to my heart! Gaia truly is an online home. Family are here with me in our mortar and brick home, and family are also a wonderful welcoming presence at Gaia. Thank you all so much for being here with and for me as this awful journey continues. Sometimes I think I can't bear it. Really, I haven't cried much, but there are times when I think I won't live through this. My body feels like it will explode. Like I can FEEL my blood pressure escalate to madness, and then there are physical pains in my body. I mean, that's just fucking weird. Sometimes I think I'll die too, soon. Leave the house to clean up for someone else. Who cares? When it's over, it's over. And at the same time, everything is so beautiful. The smiles of Mike's sister, the leaves in the sun, my daughter's knees, the kindness that is around everywhere. What can anyone make of all this? There is no interpreting, no organizing or controlling. We just go on and on and on. When will this end?
Hello again,
i just wanted to say again that i am thinking of you. And Martha, thank you for being a wonderful friend these years.
Love,
Donan
Martha, this is a very tough journey you are on, thank you for letting us walk with you at this time
sending you love
Dear Martha,
On this Mother's Day I just discovered the journey that you are on since the loss of your Michael. I would offer my condolences but that seems so simple for such a profound experience.
That deeply emotional aspect of yourself is being allowed to be and that is so imperative.
So much I would like to say, but this is not the time nor the place.
So, I send you huge gentle hugs and sit in silence with you as you move through this to the other side with grace. I can honestly say that because I know that Michael is cheering you on from the other side of the veil.
My Love,
Starseed
Dear Martha
Michael has not yet passed on, you are in the space of transition with him? Am I correct? The time of passing and the time preceding are sacred spaces and can feel very challenging when there is suffering.
Holding you in my heart at this time
love
Martha, I am so very sorry to hear of your husband's passing. My heart aches for you. I hate to use the overused expression that I know what you are going through. I cannot say that I know how you feel, despite the fact that Martin passed away just a little over six months ago, because somehow our feelings of grief and loss belong to only us - we own them.
I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug,
Victoria
Dear Martha,
My heart has been aching for you as I have read around Gaia about your husband's passing, and then today I found this blog. Your words are so, so moving! I want to add my love and support and condolences here, and let you know that you've been in my thoughts and prayers even though you don't know me.
I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you, but I hope all the love and support from you friends here has been some comfort to you.
Much love to you and your family,
and many blessings!
xo
Valerie
dear martha,
I am so sorry about your husband. I didn't know. I read about it in maze's blog today. My heart goes out to you.
love, jenni
Martha,
I haven't been on Gaia for many, many months – just visited today and read about Michael's passing. I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry I wasn't around to offer you comfort earlier. I hope you're finding good support and comfort through this difficult time. My own experience with grief has taught me that it has its own wisdom, like a river that can carry you to a new place, and also like a spiritual pilgrimage.
I'm sending you much love.
Kira