Help
Sign In
12 step groups
July 2009 
My take on addictions
Posted on Jul 22nd, 2008
by 
martha
martha
I'm as big of an addict as anyone else. It's just that all my life I've consistently chosen smaller and safer behaviors and substances. This is not necessarily something meritorious or salubrious. It probably bespeaks a natural timidity, and perhaps simply a lack of imagination. Using the title "My take on addictions" simply indicates a discussion of what I have been willing, so far, to "take" from that category of human activity into my own life----which isn't much, so there will probably be little dramatic content.
I really like two definitions of "addiction." One is from that guy on "What the Bleep Do We Know?" who said, "An addiction is any behavior that you are powerless to stop doing." Of course, that definition has its flaws. I'm powerless, for example, to stop shitting, and I really don't want to. But I get what he means. The other definition I really like---and this one is from Marianne Williamson, I think or Marion Woodman: "Addiction is anything you do as a substitute for genuine love."
I have SO many addictions. Tetris, Minesweeper, Bubblebuster----"cheap video game" addiction, COFFEE, sweets, pastries, small talk, TELEVISION SHOWS, my marriage during those times when we aren't able to meaningfully talk to one another and just go through the motions, wearing certain clothes, certain driving patterns-----habits. We call them habits when they are lawful and not disruptive. Habits help us stay ASLEEP. It is so comfortable to be asleep. Comfort is an addiction. Safe and comfortable. That's me.
That's why I have so much respect for artists and weirdos, malcontents and truly annoying people mostly. (OK, not Ann Coulter. She manages to be really annoying AND apparently to stay asleep the entire time. I suppose I would have to grudgingly admit that THAT is an unusual accomplishment.)
The problem with having many small, socially acceptable addictions is that there are no 12 Step groups for coffee-holics or nail-biters or back-biters or ignoramuses. And I've always wanted to be part of one, because as Starlight says, there is so much real spirituality in those places, a lot of the time.
And THEN I realized, thanks to what FastDart said in a different comment, "martha, i think you just snapped me out of unconsciousness," that we ARE, in a certain sense, each other's 12-Step group, and that THIS is IT! We're here to help each other live the best we can, and to live honestly and lovingly. I realize that the part about describing what we're here to DO with each other is WAY too big to put into words, but I think this is in the ballpark, and I'm so tremendously grateful for that!
Starlight also said that some guy on CNN this morning was saying that internet is an addiction. And it certainly CAN be, but I don't think we're using Gaia that way today. I sure hope I can still say that tomorrow! :)
I really like two definitions of "addiction." One is from that guy on "What the Bleep Do We Know?" who said, "An addiction is any behavior that you are powerless to stop doing." Of course, that definition has its flaws. I'm powerless, for example, to stop shitting, and I really don't want to. But I get what he means. The other definition I really like---and this one is from Marianne Williamson, I think or Marion Woodman: "Addiction is anything you do as a substitute for genuine love."
I have SO many addictions. Tetris, Minesweeper, Bubblebuster----"cheap video game" addiction, COFFEE, sweets, pastries, small talk, TELEVISION SHOWS, my marriage during those times when we aren't able to meaningfully talk to one another and just go through the motions, wearing certain clothes, certain driving patterns-----habits. We call them habits when they are lawful and not disruptive. Habits help us stay ASLEEP. It is so comfortable to be asleep. Comfort is an addiction. Safe and comfortable. That's me.
That's why I have so much respect for artists and weirdos, malcontents and truly annoying people mostly. (OK, not Ann Coulter. She manages to be really annoying AND apparently to stay asleep the entire time. I suppose I would have to grudgingly admit that THAT is an unusual accomplishment.)
The problem with having many small, socially acceptable addictions is that there are no 12 Step groups for coffee-holics or nail-biters or back-biters or ignoramuses. And I've always wanted to be part of one, because as Starlight says, there is so much real spirituality in those places, a lot of the time.
And THEN I realized, thanks to what FastDart said in a different comment, "martha, i think you just snapped me out of unconsciousness," that we ARE, in a certain sense, each other's 12-Step group, and that THIS is IT! We're here to help each other live the best we can, and to live honestly and lovingly. I realize that the part about describing what we're here to DO with each other is WAY too big to put into words, but I think this is in the ballpark, and I'm so tremendously grateful for that!
Starlight also said that some guy on CNN this morning was saying that internet is an addiction. And it certainly CAN be, but I don't think we're using Gaia that way today. I sure hope I can still say that tomorrow! :)
Access: Public
I don't think the addiction metaphor fits every thing, every behavior, that people try to wrap it around.
People make this common mistake because addiction involves LIFE manifesting at certain extremes. People see that and go, “Oh, gee whiz! That's me too! I must be addicted! I must be an addict!”
And that's fine, if that's what people want to do, but in my case, addiction required hospitalization and 60 days of residential treatment, not to mention a complete 180-degree change in my life and lifestyle.
So if people want to compare THAT to certain preoccupations with food or video games and say it's all the same thing, well, go ahead…
My definition of addiction: It's when you think you're choosing certain behaviors, only to find that when you want to stop you can't: YOU are not choosing IT, IT is choosing YOU.
I agree somewhat with Clifton. I smoked my first joint in nam with this black man Dowdy from Detroit. He said to me…you gotta control the smoke, it can't control you. It sure made sense to me, so that's the way I lived my life for the next eight years…in full control…smoking almost daily. Until one day I decided I didn't need to anymore, so I quit. It was no big deal, every so often I would take a hit or two, but I really didn't care for it like I used to. Now beer is another story. I think I like Bukowski's version the most. He said something like…I've got my drinking under control, I only drink six bottles of wine a day. I too have it under control. To some, it's way too much, but to others, it's not quite close enough. I guess it boils down to your personal preference. I worked with this sweet little jewish woman (forgive me for saying black man & jewish woman) and she had this immense love for ice cream. She would go to the store and buy a half gallon of ice cream and then she would proceed to eat the whole damn thing through out the night. Never once did she put some in a bowl, she would simply go back and forth to the freezer and eat some out of the container with a spoon. And then she said, by the end of the night, I would finish the whole thing…and it always makes me ill. And I said to her, why don't you just buy a pint of ice cream…and she replied…no, that would be a waste of money. Anyway, I have no answers when it comes to addictions…if you happened to have one, love it but make sure you love everything else that goes one too. Don't be a selfish prick…share your pain, share your joy….but above all….stay away from meetings that wallow in self pity. Why would you want to give a room full of pitiful people the power of thinking you're weak just like them. You are and you're not…but that's between you and the dark night of the soul. Strap on a pair…and go into the desert alone. Anyway, I think I'm addicted to thinking. And if you're addicted to meetings…god bless you.
Gaia and things like it can certainly be an addiction. but if it's a positive force in your life, as it seems to be for you, me and many many of us, all power to this kind of addiction! it's just a question of balance… it (and other “addictions) can distract us from important things we need to take care of, cause this is way more fun. and from important people in our day to day lives
i don't know what to say about addictions but enjoyed this blog and everyones comments. addictions. well I think I have a few. maybe not life threatening but i do have some behaviors that sometimes control me. okay maybe they do control me, not just sometimes.
I'm addicted to thinking. I used to say I needed beer to keep my thinking under control; that and sleep. I'm happy to say beer doesn't even come to mind as being necessary anymore and [hahah] I think even in my sleep. I am one super [over]processing fool!
GAIA is my primary social network; were you all living in Barbados, I am certain we would hang out… A LOT! It would be flipping utopia, wouldn't it?
This is as close as I'm going to get for some time to this much people I can connect with in my way - from the heart - who also like to talk their A's off hahah I don't see this as an addiction. It's fulfilling a human need to be in communion with other human beings.
If I ever feel like I'm neglecting my responsibilities, I'll have to check on that. You guys help me keep my sanity quite a lot :) Thanks a lot. My ramblings would shock many people in my country hahah
It's an interesting question you raise Martha. Just what is an addiction?
It totally depends on how big a hole the absence of whatever it is for you, would leave in you.
The second thing is how much it overshadows the rest of your life.
But I think the biggest factor is the who, not the what. Some people can shoot smack and walk away while others would rob their mother's for chocolate money. You can pretty much trace a persons family history to predict approximately where they fall on the line between the extremes. Me?
Don't be offering me that chocolate Martha! Lol!
No, not that bad but I don't think I'll be shooting smack again.
Tony Robbins likes to say we have six fundamental (or basic) human needs, which serve as the basis of every choice we make. We are all driven to fulfill these six human needs, the needs for:
(1) Consistency
(2) Inconsistency (or variety)
(3) Significance
(4) Connection/Love
(5) Growth
(6) Contribution
The 1st four needs are needs that everyone has to meet, even if we have to lie to ourselves to meet them. The last two needs, growth and contribution, he describes as “higher” needs. Your top two or three needs will largely determine how you live your life.
The reason I bring this up is that Tony says that when something, anything, is meeting 3 or more of your basic human needs, it will manifest itself in your life as an addiction. If smack meets your needs for inconsistency, significance, and connection, you may (or will) be “addicted” to smack. If participating in Gaia/Zaadz meets your needs for significance, connection, growth, and contribution, you may become “addicted” to Gaia. Thus, Nicole's statement about balance may be right on.
Martha, this is a good one. and comes in with other taboo and interesting topics needing to be discussed here…I was addicted to zaadz. Could not go one hour without loggin on and posting…then I had to get a life. Whe this thing changed to Gaia, I took back control of my time a bit and had to ground myself. I was a damn space cadet! It took time to come “down” like a caffiene addiction!
I like to eat carbs, and am addicted to them. Problem is we have to eat, and to make choices always gets int he way of my not eating them…
I love the second explanation offered about substitute for love. I can see that…when we find we are lonely, or misunderstood or just plain tired at times, I want chips…salty chips, and then chocolate. I should not eat this stuff…!!!
I think people can be addicted to the internet. I knew a guy who lost his marriage cuz he was online all the time and could not do anything else. I also have seen how alcohol has ruined the lives of their addictors and also how drugs can hook you big time.
A friend of mine lost her husband to sex addiction. She had no clue, he ran off to be with someone he had been meeting on the sly. She was devastated. He told her he was addicted to this lady.
We ARE a 12 step group here for sure! We talk about sex, swearing, feminism, and addictions and many other things as a community, more than we might at home or even in our classrooms…this is a cathartic place…
Thanks for this M> And some of the amusing comments made (maze esp)
:)
Hi Clifton, thank you for your thoughts. I thought about your comment a lot. What I hear you saying is that the metaphor of addiction does not fit everything, and that a fixation on video games or television shows does not take the kind of toll on a person that overcoming a consuming physical, biochemical, body/mind/spirit agonizing addiction does, and that you have actually gone through a lot of physical pain and completely changed your entire life, and that somehow you hear me trivializing your suffering by using the metaphor of addiction to describe people's relationships to pastimes, foods, etc. And although I DO think that there is a continuum, I apologize if I have caused you pain in any way. When I read your reply, I FELT anger from you at a gut level. As a person who has lived through years of abuse, I will ALWAYS explore instances where I FEEL anger, because it is necessary to my survival, just as I think I understand that having people not trivialize the seriousness and pain of addiction is necessary for you. I think that what we are both saying is true. I think that all behaviors along the continuum are ways that we go to sleep, and I mean that in a spiritual and metaphorical sense.
Hi Maze, I was really surprised that you could just stop smoking dope that fast. I haven't met many people who did that after such heavy use. Hmm. That's one for those assholes who want to keep pot illegal. But it's obviously my night to be problematic. What I've got to ask you for is to please don't classify 12 Step meetings as places where people feel sorry for themselves. And I don't “go to” meetings! That would be inappropriate! The meetings are for people to share their experiences, and if one doesn't have those particular experiences that the meeting is for, then they shouldn't go. I found out about them because my mentor, Dr. Driscoll, who was a sober alcoholic, used to bring me to them sometimes in order to teach me things. I mean, like, two or three times. I was very close to him. He was like a father to me, and as you know I lost my dad a few years earlier, so Jim pretty much took that place. I owe him just about everything I have. He taught me a lot about human kindness and honesty and compassion, and it was AA that allowed him to get well and grow those things within himself so that he could share them with me, and with his other students. That's why I like 12 Step programs.
Nicole, I'm working on calming down now. Yes, I think we do powerful and necessary work on ourselves here, and this particular process isn't an addiction at all!
Jenni, Hi love, I'm sending you warm thoughts.
Sherri, I never understood “addicted to thinking” until I noticed how mechanical my mind is! I am not my thoughts! Who knew?
Doug, you always amaze me. You are a person with truly no limits, I think. But in a positive growth way. I'm really tired at the moment, so sorry. We can talk more, later.
Michael, I had never heard the theory you talk about, and it's interesting. Thank you for posting!
Aley, I think you and I are much the same in some really basic ways—-our outlook, lifestyle, tastes, etc. Not carbon copies by any stretch, but in many ways so similar! Thank you for your thoughts!
I regret i opened this post. It is 12:15 am and no nearby store with good chocolate is opened at this time…
i just want to say that I really like salty chips too. I can eat he plain ones, but I prefer ruffles. But then again the others fill a certain need as well. I find I turn to them also. More so than chocolate. I like Chocolate but I don't really need it. Not in the same way.
Hi Jenni, Salty chips (preferably no ruffles) are my craving, and chocolate is just there. It doesn't fill the place that salty chips has. Psychologists say that we who prefer the chips are more ambitous. I don't know if that's true. Do you think you're more ambitous than average?
Joanna, sorry about that. Well, stores are open now! :) Always great to get a visit from you!
great blog Martha…
addiction is about more than just being powerless…it is when what you are powerless over makes your life unmanageable…
take the shitting for example…sure we gotta shit, but when it overtakes our life…we should maybe eat some cheese…iow…do something different…lol
keeping it simple…stupid…rotf…i have to keep it simple…damn…thnx for reminding me of that !
Good topic Martha. My comment is that I just don't know and wish I did. There are physical addictions and mental ones. This subject is a painful one for me because I am coping with a family member who I have just recently learned is addicted to alcohol. The guy is very together 99.9% of the time. In fact he is Mr. Perfect; a guy who has accomplished great things in an exciting career, has a wonderful family, perfect kids, good friends. Then at the .1% of the time when life throws him a curve he just falls apart and self-medicates himself to point of being gone for days. I know one can't be rational about how people do irrational things; but with physical addictions, it is complicated.
Hi Starlight. OH! OK! In the simplest of terms, you've shown me where I needed to understand more. It's not just that it's really really difficult to NOT do that thing, but when that fact of the matter makes you LIFE unmanageable! Oh! So it really IS more than I'm saying it is. Thank you. You have taught me so much today! You are a blessing!
Hi Janine; Yes, it is I'm sure much more painful in some ways to helplessly watch a person you love go through an addiction than to have one yourself. It's the powerlessness. Thank you for that thought.
yes, it's very complex, there are a lot of factors. we often think of addictions as totally negative, that's why I found those six categories above very helpful. addictions feel so very very good, and can be relatively benign and yet still addictions. and yes, it's important to remember that just because i am addicted to Gaia, or others are, doesn't mean everyone is or that their addiction is at a stage where it negatively impacts the rest of their life.
i know i will have to get mine under control because i am not getting enough work done. but that's just me.
see, i don't have to worry about any of that…writing is my work…lol
Dear ones Nicole and Starlight— gee I'm just keeping on talking here, aren't I? Please excuse me (hmm. addiction to running one's “mouth” is an uncomfortable one for the people who “have to” listen, I suspect!) Nicole, I do realize that you spend more time on here, and actually YOU, yes YOU, and you know it, don't you Nicole? give me more positive feedback more consistently than any other Gaiaster. I mean, I can always COUNT on you coming by pretty soon and saying something nice, even if the conversation has a couple of doubtful moments. And I see this as, like, a donation that you make to us. Like, you're volunteering to do something worthwhile for us in that regard. So when you think about the time spent here, are you weighing that not-trivial level of contribution into the mix? I mean, I hope you aren't neglecting things you want to do in your physical life in order to be here, but what I'm saying is when you ARE here, you make an important contribution to the community!
thanks! i do understand it's important, and because it's enjoyable, and hitting others of those six points, it has been making it very difficult to cut back on Gaia so I can keep up with my work. :) it is one of the challenges of being your own boss, sometimes you have to be strict with yourself when you feel like being a slacker lol