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sadness
July 2009 
The devil doesn't exist
Posted on Oct 11th, 2008
by 
martha
martha
Well, I'll be honest with ya, and I'll say this only once, I think. I can, from time to time, be in some terrible pain, 'cause, you see, my husband is really, really not healthy and that affects the mind and spirit as well as the body and it's really, really difficult
to live with someone who is hurtin' hurtin' hurtin. There's just no fun there, you know, like livin' in a dark hole.
That's why, you see.
But it's not.
If I blame something outside myself for how I feel, that is shirking my essential responsibility for being whole.
I'm also capable of letting the beautiful Light of Spirit break through and shine, shine, shine through my heart, life, laughter, connection, work, living, dancing, loving. There is nothing real other than that. I mean really real.
Of course, sometimes I'm angry and I mean really pissed. I mean like being in tears pissed.
Ironically, I'm one of the happiest people I know. Balanced, capable, open-hearted, able to use the Light that sustains my energy in ways that sustain and empower others.
But, you know, there is this picture of Mike when he was two, and his arms are open like he wants to hug you, and his hands are out like he's receiving Divine energy, and his beautiful little face is Beaming with Love and Joy! Oh, I am SO in LOVE with that little boy! I met him, I knew him, he is the father of my chldren. Did the Devil take him away? Where did he go? How can I find him? Is he being tortured? Is he being hurt? Am I letting this happen? When can he go free?
to live with someone who is hurtin' hurtin' hurtin. There's just no fun there, you know, like livin' in a dark hole.
That's why, you see.
But it's not.
If I blame something outside myself for how I feel, that is shirking my essential responsibility for being whole.
I'm also capable of letting the beautiful Light of Spirit break through and shine, shine, shine through my heart, life, laughter, connection, work, living, dancing, loving. There is nothing real other than that. I mean really real.
Of course, sometimes I'm angry and I mean really pissed. I mean like being in tears pissed.
Ironically, I'm one of the happiest people I know. Balanced, capable, open-hearted, able to use the Light that sustains my energy in ways that sustain and empower others.
But, you know, there is this picture of Mike when he was two, and his arms are open like he wants to hug you, and his hands are out like he's receiving Divine energy, and his beautiful little face is Beaming with Love and Joy! Oh, I am SO in LOVE with that little boy! I met him, I knew him, he is the father of my chldren. Did the Devil take him away? Where did he go? How can I find him? Is he being tortured? Is he being hurt? Am I letting this happen? When can he go free?
Access: PublicTagged with: sadness
I am standing beside you and Mike and offering my support and love Martha. I know there is difficulty watching someone you love in pain, and I know how much you love your Mike. You are loved here too, and always know you are supported and surrounded here by those who know you, really love you and accept you and your feelings with empathy and understanding…
Big hugs Martha…my dear friend.
Aley
I'm with you too … I know you love him and see him through his pain. I am also concerned for you. I want you to be in a place where you can feel joy and celebrate the many parts of yourself. You are very supported here. I support you to take care of you … It's OK.
Hugging YOU my dearest Martha.
Thank you Aley and Peri so much for standing with me and being my friend. Tonight I feel like I can go on. It is a deep privilege to receive your companionship on the road. My heart is filled with Joy tonight. Tomorrow there will be the sun. Thank you for being my friends, and I am your friend.
Martha, like me, you are a practitioner of “happy no matter what”. That doesn mean the no matter what won't get you down now and then, and like the sisters just said, I am here to support you taking care of you.
I am home now, and I'd love to continue our visit we started in Phoenix on the phone soon. Stay in touch!
Hi Carla, Glad you had that wonderful trip, and that you're home safe. I'll come by your blog to see what you write, if anything, about your trip, but right now am going to go to bed and sleep zzzzzzzzzzz. Wishing you a good night and restful slumber….
dear martha,I have always felt you out there, a happy person who makes the best of things and spreads her happiness and good will to others. I hate to think of you in pain or your husband in pain, whatever the circumstances. You do see the light of spirt within you and even though i too get lost or hurt or sad, when I remember that, it saves me. love, jen
hope you had a very refreshing sleep, and that you work through this challenging struggle soon, together. love and peace and joy to you both.
Hi Jenni, that does seem to be the key, doesn't it? To remember the way to The Heart. Like the folk stories of the children lost in the forest, and they might have a lamp, or they might lose it. They might even not be able to light their lamp. You've absolutely gotten to the heart of it. Thank you.
Hi Nicole, you know what? It's been forever since I went by your blog! Really months. And I've wanted to visit you, but never did. So I'm going to visit your blog next. You visit me all the time and offer kind support. Thank you so much!
Hello precious Martha…life sends us some difficult things doesnt it. Pain is something I do not deal well with so have so much compassion and prayers for what your husband is dealing with. I send you both much love and prayers and know that I am holding you close with much care. hugs precious Martha.
Hey Sweetie, I am here too joining in with all our sisters above in support and comfort. Hugs and chocolate chips, Sprite
Hi Julia, Thank you for your loving and compassionate response. I'm sure that our love and caring that we generate here is helpful of ourselves and others on so many levels! Sending you hugs and gratitude.
Hi Spritely! Chocolate chips, eh? Oh TONS of 'em, ok? :) We can swim in chocolate chips! Wouldn't that smell DIVINE??? Hope you and Ms. Peri Sparkles had a magnificent hike! :)
more hugs from my quarter for you dear martha…
thanks for stopping by my blog, dear one! and did someone say chocolate? :)
my dear sweet Martha…i felt the need to comment here today…how you are feeling, is how my children must have felt when they were growing up; not so much now since i began taking responsibility for my own pain, and doing what i could to deal with it…in a healthy responsible way…i feel very fortunate to be able to do this, b/c i know that this may not be possible for other's sometimes…so if nothing else, your blog has helped me to remember that…and i thank you for it.
i don't think that there is anything much worse than seeing someone you love suffer, and the powerlessness of not being able to do anything about it…it helps however, as i am certain you are aware, to accept things exactly as they are…and the thing you can continue doing, is what you are doing…loving inspite of everything…i am certain that you bring joy and light…and to continue to do so, you must continue to take care of you.
much love and joy, and if i can ever be of any assistance, let me know…always, *
Thank you starlight, your perspective does help shed some light in darkness. It's difficult to accept just as it is, because whenever I feel great about acceptance, then this nagging little voice says, “Why can't he…?” I want him to let go and be happy, too. I can't make him do that. Oh well. If you flog a trout, you get a flogged trout. As Nicole observes, chocolate is much better.
dear sweet martha…i don't know the situation, but i can share my experience, strength and hope…
when i was using drugs and alcohol, trying to escape the reality of my life, much of it was physical pain, but a lot of it was emotional, that i had been conditioned to feel…due to my beliefs concerning this or that…anyways, my children often had those questions…however; i could only do what i was able to do at the time…when i knew to do better…it became easier to do better…my main problem was not realizing that i had a choice…while i was trapped in that insanity…i had no other choice…
i would be amiss if i left out the fact that life intervened on my behalf, else i might still be out there beating my head into a brick wall…surprised at all the blood! LOL…as it happened, the universe unfolded…and FORCED me to be responsible for myself…i had so many enablers…people that thought they were helping me, when in reality, they were helping me be irresponsible…but, they were doing the best that they knew to do also…when we know better, we can do better…
i refer to this as the hatefulness of love…by being responsible for ourselves, and allowing others that same right…we encourage healthy behavior and adult decisions…
you may not be able to change his situation, nor can you change how you feel about it…but in accepting it as it is…that does not mean that there is no change…the change is within you…by taking care of you…you teach others to take care of themselves…it is a process, and there might be some resistance…b/c of the very nature of emotional pull between two people that love each other…however; we never know what we can accomplish until we try…
the physical work that i am doing now is very painful…but within that pain, there is healing…and within that healing…there is awesomeness…the body wants to heal itself…and many times, it is the things we continue to do, or not do, that prevent this healing to take place…the main thing for you to do is to continue to take care of you…like i said, i do not know the situation, but i would imagine that there is always something one can do to better their own situation…if the doctors and physical therapists have made suggestions, i would encourage those to be followed…and i can tell you from experience, that i resisted these with a passion…but now that i have become willing to try something different…and sometimes that is all that is necessary…another world is opening up for me…it is not always easy, and yes it is filled with pain…but the healing is happening…and in that healing, is joy and freedom…
again, anything i can do to help, just let me know…much love and joy*
Hi starlight, I'm sorry that you are going through a painful process, but also thankful for your healing and sense of awe that your healing brings you. I do hope that my husband will experience a personal epiphany, an intervention on his behalf. It's out of my hands, and I walk a narrow path between enabling and supporting, but that's just the way it is. I ask WHY he goes on and on and on the way he does without gaining perspective or insight, but again, there's nothing I can do about it. Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your experiences, because it does give me hope. You and other people also have managed to move to a better way of seeing things, and so there is hope. You are a brave woman, and I wish you continuation and abiding with healing and light.
thank you Martha for the kind encouraging words…but in this case…i see you as the brave one…may you be filled with your inner joy*
Hello, dear, sweet Martha,
I'm just getting back to Gaia and am slow catching up with blogs. I hope you will always feel you can curse the darkness via a blog when nothing else seems to help.
How I wish we could always live in that precious moment of NOW and find peace – to accept “what is.” But, dang, the pain (ours or someone elses – both physical and mental/emotional) can drag me right into the past or the future or the “if only.” I find I go there over the littlest bump in the road so I can't even imagine how you find the beautiful light of your spirit as often as you do under the circumstances you live with.
You are courageous and strong even though you must often feel beseiged and ready to collapse from the journey. Please accept a heartfelt (((((hug))))).
Ah Judi, thank you for the hug, and here comes a {{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}} back to you, too! Well, to be honest, I often do put more feeling-sorry-for-myself energy into the small bumps than is warrented. Why do I choose that? I dunno! :) Thanks for being a beautiful friend.