2nd Blog Entry

Oo I'm happy with the title!  It's a series!  :)

Today I didn't meditate at all before I left the house, because I woke up 45 minutes late, because I was really tired.  On the way to work, however, I tried the "sending love" type of focus that I had tried yesterday with so little success.  While driving, it was really an interesting process.  I decided first to send love to people I saw at a bus stop, but that didn't work because I had soon driven way past them.  So I sent love to the person in the car in front of me.  For some reason, it was easier for me to just relax and send the affection without much of the turbulent craziness that went on in my mind yesterday, and it felt really good.  And wow!  The traffic felt so good, and then this big 'ole pickup truck merged into the lane in front of me and the transition was very smooth, and the whole driving thing had a good vibe! 

So then I turned left and started down a road I always travel in a westerly direction.  There were no cars around.  I came to an intersection, and the police had stopped a car in the lane to my left, and had his lights flashing, parked behind the car.  They were both just parked there together in a lane of traffic.  A young girl was getting out from behind the wheel of the car that had been stopped.  I looked at her and thought to myself that she had a "stupid" look on her face.  Then all these really negative feelings arose, and I started feeling Anger toward the girl.  So I began to analyze this.  I don't know this girl at all.  Why all these negative feelings?  "She looks just like my students," I thought.  So, OK, that's it.  I realized suddenly that this is my shadow stuff!  I'm always the Very Nice teacher, but underneath, there's anger and frustration.  And I was projecting that onto the girl. 

I contrasted the feeling of consciously projecting love with the feeling that so suddenly emerged with the annoyance and anger.  Were these two poles related in some type of dynamic balance?  Was the one "triggering" the other?  Were any of these feelings real? 

I had known before this that I have some anger and frustration about my students.  Who wouldn't?  It's a natural part of life.  Teaching isn't easy, and sometimes I feel frustrated and upset.  I work at working that out.  But it never completely goes away.  But I don't have to identify with it and act it out, either. 

The mystery and the journey continue.